Pretty much everything if you’re me. You’ll see.
Yes, yes, I’m a deaf chick. Old, too. So old. Old AF. I can’t even tell you how many times people have mistaken my deafness or age for—Get this!—stupidity either. (Mainly because I can’t remember how many times. I’m ollllllllld.) But, here’s the thing:
Just because I’m old and deaf doesn’t mean I’m stupid.
And, here’s the other thing:
Disability & aging can kiss my ass.
We’re all getting old, and everybody’s got struggles. So, instead of whining about it, do what I do—throw things. Tantrums. Fine china. All your steak knives. Just kidding. The two most effective things to do?
And, Witty Biddy is here to help you do both.
All righty. Let’s go on and get these essential things out of the way:
- I write, and I swear. Copiously.*
- And, as I’ve said, I’m deaf, which does not make me stupid despite what that one cashier at CVS thinks.
- I read lips, and I know the universal sign for “fuck you.”
- If you hurt my family or friends, or if you’re rude to me like that one cashier at CVS, expect the finger. (Also, I said I’m deaf. So, quit calling me!)
*OMG. Look it up. You have your phone right there.
- Award-winning writer of creative nonfiction & fiction
- Award-winning teacher of writing ————————————————————>
- Award-winning student
- Award-winning sister (Best Sister, 1963 – present)
- Award-winning baby:
As you can plainly tell, I’m into education and winning awards. I’ve always loved learning, and I am delighted when I can share my knowledge with others. There’s no telling what all you can learn from me because REMINDER: I am not technically stupid. Being deaf, being old, and even being Southern—Georgia-girl that I am…these things do not make me stupid.
Y’all don’t believe me and need more proof? Fuck y’all. Here:
- Original member of the first “gifted program” in Georgia
- A shit-ton of academic awards and honors that allow me to get away with using the term “shit-ton”
- Magna Cum Laude undergraduate
- 4.0 graduate-graduate
- Teacher of the Year, 2013
- Winner out of over 4,000 adjunct instructors for the 2016 Excellence in Adjunct Teaching Award at SNHU
- Writing awards out the ass, which allow me to get away with using the phrase “out the ass.” Also, “for reals.”
- I hold a pending U.S. Patent. For reals.
- Plus, I understand what “τ > π” means.
And, I teach creative writing...
(…at Gotham Writers’ Workshop, the highly acclaimed, world-famous school in NYC, which is a fine educational institution that does not endorse any of the opinions and/or ideas on this website except this one: My students ROCK!).
Many of my students are award-winning and published writers, and while I certainly can’t take the credit for their success, I will take that 50/50 split** we talked about.
**Always remember to read the fine print, dudes.
All right. Now, as I’ve already said—but you were probably reading a text message or watching some dumbass video of people falling—although I’m not technically stupid…and by that, I mean that being raised in the South, having a Southern accent, and being old and deaf don’t = stupid…So, once again for the stragglers: Although I’m not technically stupid…
An Incomplete List of Stupid Choices I’ve Made That Have (Almost) Nothing to Do
With Being Old and Deaf:
- I’ve been married a lot.
- I’ve been divorced a lot.
- My husband and I sold our house, bought a 37-foot RV and a monster Dodge RAM, and I wrecked it on the first day out. Shut up. That sumbitch was lonnnnnnnnnnng.
- We had…ummmmm…seven “collisions” before we gave up.
- We moved to FLORIDA. That right there is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
- I once snorted a laugh during a panel interview, and a glob of snot rocketed out of my nose and oozed down my face.
- I participated in beauty pageants and wore a bathing suit with heels. In front of people.
- I am a porn star. (Look. It’s really better if you just don’t overthink it.)
- When I was 8, I stuck a knife in our toaster to un-wedge my PopTart. Yes, it was plugged in. Yes, I got zapped. Yes, it hurt like a mo-fo.
- I used to wish to be deaf like my dad. And now I AM.
- I fell down in a certain Big Box Store, and it’s on video.
- I quit law school after one semester, which isn’t the stupid part. This is—I am an adjunct instructor, which pays in pieces of shit that have been rolled in some more shit and sprinkled with dust of shit.
- I set my $7000, purple hearing aids on my TV tray for the thirty seconds it took me to make it to the potty before I peed in my pants, and my dog ate them. The hearing aids, not the pants.
I have a BLACK BELT in FML.
(Mostly my fault, too.)
So, come join me on the Witty Biddy Vlog to see how an old and deaf PRO fucks things up,*** can’t hear a damn thing, and succeeds anyway.
Laughter and learning guaranteed.
When I was growing up, I muttered, hissed, and/or hollered the phrase I swear! practically every day without even a smidge of realization that its literal interpretation would one day become my motto. I used the exhortation to convey frustration, annoyance/irritation, a lack of patience, sometimes awe, agreement, and (often) a general feeling of disdain for a large swath of the human race.
Now that I’m no longer in danger of a backhand across the face from a nearby adult family member, I can substitute fuck for I swear in every one of those situations, thank the good Lord.
Special note: The phrase I swear can also express an oath or promise with emphasis. I’ve been known to use it that way too.
Here on Deaf Chick, you’ll find fucks galore, but get your mind right out of the gutter because I don’t mean it like that. (I swear!) I don’t subscribe to the belief that people who swear are ignorant or have a substandard grasp of vocabulary. A little salt ain’t going to hurt anybody. Unless you are a slug, and in that case, you need to go on back under that rock before I kill your ass.
Go on. We’ll wait.
All righty. Let the salting begin…