Why do celebrities even open their mouths when they are not A) speaking in character on screen or stage; B) getting their teeth whitened; or C) blowing someone? I mean, the only thing of substance that ever, ever comes out of a celebrity’s dental orifice is partially digested food. Are you paying attention here? Donald. Trump. Could. Be. President. People think Jennifer Aniston is real. And for God’s sake, global warming is not to blame for the ozone’s holes. The one-hundred percent true cause is Sean-Puerile-Penn’s toxic twaddle.
Why do we—and by we, I mean idiots, when I don’t personally like the celebrity in question—follow the minute-to-minute functions of people so synthetic that if you flip them over and look at the bottom of one foot, it will say Patent Pending? Did you know there is a Celebrity Attitude Scale developed by a British psychologist, which ranks people according to their levels of celebrity worship? There’s entertainment-social: Celebrities are fun to watch! There’s intense-personal: Celebrities and I have lots in common, and I want to hump one! And then there’s borderline-pathological: The duct tape, chain saw, and map to David Letterman’s house are in my trunk because he has been sending me secret love messages in his monologues, and he wants me to come over and cut him into small squares so that I can keep him in my pocket at all times and maybe wear some of his skin.
There is something seriously bent about the fact that we buy schmillions of products and services just because Tiger Woods or Martha Stewart or Oprah says we should, unless of course Miss Winfrey selects my book for her Book Club one day, and then you absolutely, by all means, most definitely should get a copy as soon as possible because Oprah really knows her shit when it comes to picking incredible literature except for the couple of times she touted those bogus-memoirs, but everyone makes mistakes. Under no circumstances, though, should you trust any fucking thing Tiger Woods says, even if he is trying to convince you to buy golf balls. The last thing anyone should ever want to play with is that guy’s balls.